I can’t be arsed to keep posting these bloody articles as proper blog posts, there are too many of them. The boy is like Adele, he’s fucking everywhere. Just click the title, read words, blah, blah, blah…
Athletics Weekly is at it again. The similarities between Joe and Jimmy are endless. Welsh, 800m, a bit mental, liking rock bands, let’s be honest, they could be twins.
It’s actually a really good article until the very end when they do Jimmy a massive disservice by stating that he only reached the semi-finals of the World Championships. We’ve notified our lawyers and will be seeking a six page apology. Click HERE to see a larger version.
It’s really not often that Brand New get a mention in an athletics magazine. This is pretty much screaming out ‘bet Joe he can’t shoehorn Brand New song titles into post-race interviews’.
We also have another coffee machine mention, the De’Longhi sponsorship deal can’t be far away now. It should be an honour for them to fuel one of an international athlete’s vices*.
*1-0 Jarrett in ‘Brand New Song Title Bingo’.
I’ve been away all weekend at a coaching seminar in Bristol. Personally I don’t think there’s a lot I can learn but it might be useful for the other guys there if they simply absorb my genius simply by being close to me. This has meant that I’m behind on the blog.
On Thursday I mentioned that Joe was racing the fastest men in the world. It was the fastest 5 guys and Joe that is 7th. The 6th fastest was in the ‘B’ race, presumably because Joe had better hair.
As many of you will have seen on Twitter, I told Joe that if he didn’t set a new PB and finish at least 4th then me and him were finished. He set a new PB and finished 4th. It smacks a bit of doing just enough in my opinion but we’ll up the targets for the World Champs.
Keep your eyes on the blog this week. In the coming days there’ll be another Athletics Weekly article about Joe and Jimmy, the designs for our new t-shirts, pictures of Joe posing by his new coffee machine and news of our probably Oscar winning film.
In a rare bout of genuine ‘fucking hell, that’s amazing’ sincerity, Joe has been picked/asked/booked/whatever to race in Stockholm tonight (he knew about this at the start of the week, it’s not like a Wacky Races like sprint to the line) against the 5 fastest men in the world over 800m this year. Joe is 7th fastest. If he finishes any lower than 4th, he will have let himself down, the blog down, everyone who reads the blog down, De’Longhi coffee machines down and worst of all, he will have let Jimmy down.
No pressure Joe.
Joe has royally fucked up this popular series by beating the Welsh indoor 800m record. My heartfelt apologies go out to the thousands of you that tuned in weekly. Thanks for your support and your loyalty. It’s with regret that I have to draw the curtain a final time on what had become an integral part of my life.
How could any of us forget Week #1 when Joe just pissed about beating a load of amateurs at our Olympic training base?
Or Weeks #2 and #3 when he did, you know, other stuff.
Fuck, I’m welling up. I’ve got to go. It’s been emotional.
Jimmy’s comeback suffered a setback today when UK Athletics refused to pick him for the indoor world championships because of his hair. Apparently he doesn’t have enough of it. Luckily for us, big hair monster Joe Thomas has made the squad. Full story in our favourite papery publication, Athletics Weekly.
Jimmy was distraught. That, combined with Joe destroying his record on the weekend has sent him into a deep bout of depression. We were supposed to go and do a spot of filming with Joe ‘Carlos Valderrama' Thomas tonight at NIAC. It was supposed to be a meeting of minds, an exchange of ideas, two giants of indoor athletics combining to rule the world.
Jimmy bailed on us.
We felt like right fucking twats when we showed up without him.
We had to make do. I explained to Joe that Jimmy was ill, that he could hardly move himself out of bed. In reality, he was on the sofa in his pants, searching for his name on YouTube and crying. Myself and crack film team Hefin and Emyr Rees made the best of a bad situation.
Hefin told Joe that in every TV and film production, the actors have to recite ‘I’m A Little Teapot’ for the camera man to gauge sound and focus. Joe fell for it.
We filmed for 7 or 8 hours and should have enough to show off our skills as film makers, athletes and coaches. We also have adequate footage for the advert we were planning to do for De’Longhi, Joe’s favourite coffee machine manufacturer. I say advert, we’re basically going to beg them for free coffee.
The results of our filming are currently being edited. We’re going to send it off to all the major sports broadcasters in case they want to commission us to make a feature length docudrama about one man’s battle with coffee addiction and hair products in the run up to the Olympic games. We were thinking black and white. Maybe entirely filmed on a mobile phone. Possibly with zombies.
If they don’t want it I’ll just stick it on here.
- Coach Jarrett
Joe Thomas ran 1.46.35 on Saturday in Birmingham to smash Jimmy’s record. I expected some kind of internet meltdown to mark the event. The type that would furnish me with photos, videos, quotes from the great and the good. Fuck all. All I have is the result:
14:31 - 800 METRES - Men OFFICIAL RESULTS
1 Mohamed AMAN ETH 1:45.40 NR
2 Marcin LEWANDOWSKI POL 1:45.41 PB
3 Boaz LALANG KEN 1:45.75 SB
4 Joe THOMAS GBR 1:46.35 PB
5 Andrew OSAGIE GBR 1:46.53 PB
6 Richard KIPLAGAT KEN 1:47.22 SB
7 Andreas RAPATZ AUT 1:47.53
8 Guy LEARMONTH GBR 1:47.84 PB
Matt SCHERER USA DNF
Bit dull isn’t it. And frankly, 4th is shit. Pull your socks up Joe. If you’re going to beat these guys in the World Championships you need to give them a kick on the way around.
What we need here is some kind of mutually beneficial exchange of ideas between Joe and Jimmy. Joe can teach Jimmy how to run fast and win enough cash to buy ridiculous coffee machines and Jimmy can teach Joe how to psyche out the opposition and play dirty. Actually, we should film this. If only I knew someone that could handle a video camera.
Oh, hang on, I do. Watch this space.
- Coach Jarrett
Joe’s victory in the UK Championships on Sunday saw him win ‘Performance Of The Day’. This was well deserved as he won by nearly 2.5 seconds which, if you equate it to distance, is roughly a lap and a half. To celebrate, and to helpfully mock Jimmy, he spend his prize money on this:
That’s right, it’s a robot. One thousand pounds worth of coffee making robot. If you read the webpage closely you will see that it’s made of one third Starbucks Saturday staff member, one third Dalek and one third magic pixie dust.
Slightly disappointing that Joe didn’t mention the blog in his post-race interview, maybe he’s saving that for the World Championships.
I’ve include this little story as a lesson to Jimmy. Less pissing about drunk on bikes, more winning stuff at big championships equals really fucking cool machines for our kitchen.
- Coach Jarrett
This week in Joe Thomas Nearly Beats Welsh Indoor 800m Record, Joe travels to Sheffield for the UK Indoor Championships and Trails and tries to beat Jimmy’s Welsh indoor 800m record.
He pisses the 800m in a time of 1:46:26 and misses Jimmy’s Welsh indoor 800m record by 3 hundredths of a second.
Sometimes you start a blog because you’re drunk. Sometimes it’s because a guy almost beats your housemate’s Welsh indoor 800m record. Sometimes it’s because you want to train your housemate to make a comeback and qualify for the Olympics despite having no training qualifications.
Not many blogs cover all of these angles, I would go as far as to say this was the only one. Unless Hayley Parry's housemate has started one while ratfaced on Jagerbombs.
I’ll be honest though, I thought it would be a while before the national athletics press started to sit up and notice of our sterling work. Maybe six weeks. Eight max. After 2 weeks, I didn’t expect:
An editorial in Athletics Weekly about aforementioned 800m athlete comparing him to aforementioned housemate.
B) When said housemate emails the editor of Athletics Weekly, Jason Henderson, for him to reply saying that he already knows all about the blog and has been reading it.
To be honest, we’re going to have to radically revise our time scale for world domination.