Random Man Gives Athlete Money.

It’s going to be tough to get Richard Buck into any ridiculous YouTube videos given that he lives in Loughborough, but given that he roomed with Joe in Istanbul and has contributed the wonderful short story about Jimmy to this very blog, we have a soft spot for him.

Today, the BBC Sport site has a good little story about Rich getting a big cheque off a random bloke to help fund his Olympic quest. We can only assume the bloke liked his eyes. 

Either way, this begs the question, ‘why have none of you stepped forward with a massive cheque for Joe’? Not even De’Longhi despite the fact that Joe now gets at least one coffee comment in every interview ever.

On The Film Set.

We’ve made a little film. It’s not quite ready yet. Jimmy was supposed to come to the track and have a session with Joe but was so distraught at his record being beaten and his omission for the World Champs team that he didn’t turn up. This meant that I had to do some running. I had the correct kit but not the correct body shape. I am a natural in front of the camera though.

I believe I was having to explain that Jimmy had let us all down by not showing up. We’d all altered plans to be here. Everyone was disappointed with him but we had a job to do and we were going to damn well do it. Although I back my abilities as a coach I thought I should spend some time observing. Stylishly.

There were other people there but the best clothes they could find only had some kind of university logo. Not ‘Great Britain’. Fucking amateurs.

Joe seemed to take my hints and tips on board. We were pretty relaxed and looked damn sexy. So sexy in fact that Joe’s own father couldn’t even look at us.

I was worried about his choice of energy drink though, I was only reassured when Joe told me that it was simply the first bottle he found in his cupboard and was actually full of the thirst quenching, energy giving De’Longhi machine-made coffee.

Once the caffeine had taken hold, Joe set off proving he could actually fly. I’m unsure whether Olympic rules state that your feet have to make contact with the track at any point. If not, I reckon Joe has a pretty good chance.

After a while, my incessant offers of help and my perceived hole-picking regarding Team Thomas training techniques didn’t go down well. I was told to ‘put my ridiculous shorts where my fucking mouth is’. Fair enough, I’m confident in my ability. Given that I’m better at short distances, usually 5 to 10 yards and Joe specialises in 800m, we settled on a lap of the 200m track. I had the better start.

I kept pace most of the way around but was trailing by a couple of metres coming up to the line. I used a Watkins trick and yelled ‘Shit me, it’s a smooth, crisp cup of De’Longhi coffee’. Joe fell for it and I did him on the line. Get in.

Afterwards Joe was crushed. He couldn’t even stand up to shake my hand, I assumed he was just spent. He’d put a lot of effort into his race.

All in all this was a successful expedition. We got some good film footage, we didn’t have to look after Jimmy and I proved that I’m a world class athlete as well as a world class coach.

Look out for ‘Olympic Blog: The Mini Series’ coming to a blog near you soon.

- Coach Jarrett

All photography by Emyr Rees.

Joe Thomas: Behind The Curtain.

On this blog we tend to focus on people running, arm wrestling and generally doing what the public know them for. We thought it was about time we went behind the curtain, away from the screaming crowds, to these people’s homes, where they relax away from the limelight. We also thought we might be able to get Joe Thomas some free coffee.

As you can see, Joe Thomas kicks back with the beautiful taste and aroma of the finest coffee made with his brand new, ridiculously expensive De’Longhi coffee machine. He now has to finish in the top three of every race ever in order to be able to afford to fuel his habit. This workload is quite frankly impossible to deal with and is affecting Joe’s training, form and indeed, life. What he needs is sponsorship. A box of free coffee every week or so would improve his quality of life, make his schedule realistic and in all probability, result in World and Olympic glory.

Look, he has no shame, he will take time out to pose with any De’Longhi products. He will point, show off his guns and wear his Great Britain vest to demonstrate his world class athlete status.

Come on De’Longhi, make a young man happy.

Two Peas In A Pod.

Athletics Weekly is at it again. The similarities between Joe and Jimmy are endless. Welsh, 800m, a bit mental, liking rock bands, let’s be honest, they could be twins.

It’s actually a really good article until the very end when they do Jimmy a massive disservice by stating that he only reached the semi-finals of the World Championships. We’ve notified our lawyers and will be seeking a six page apology. Click HERE to see a larger version.

It’s really not often that Brand New get a mention in an athletics magazine. This is pretty much screaming out ‘bet Joe he can’t shoehorn Brand New song titles into post-race interviews’.

We also have another coffee machine mention, the De’Longhi sponsorship deal can’t be far away now. It should be an honour for them to fuel one of an international athlete’s vices*.

*1-0 Jarrett in ‘Brand New Song Title Bingo’.

Joe Thomas vs The World

In a rare bout of genuine ‘fucking hell, that’s amazing’ sincerity, Joe has been picked/asked/booked/whatever to race in Stockholm tonight (he knew about this at the start of the week, it’s not like a Wacky Races like sprint to the line) against the 5 fastest men in the world over 800m this year. Joe is 7th fastest. If he finishes any lower than 4th, he will have let himself down, the blog down, everyone who reads the blog down, De’Longhi coffee machines down and worst of all, he will have let Jimmy down.

No pressure Joe.

Jimmy Misses World Indoor Squad Selection.

Jimmy’s comeback suffered a setback today when UK Athletics refused to pick him for the indoor world championships because of his hair. Apparently he doesn’t have enough of it. Luckily for us, big hair monster Joe Thomas has made the squad. Full story in our favourite papery publication, Athletics Weekly.

Jimmy was distraught. That, combined with Joe destroying his record on the weekend has sent him into a deep bout of depression. We were supposed to go and do a spot of filming with Joe ‘Carlos Valderrama' Thomas tonight at NIAC. It was supposed to be a meeting of minds, an exchange of ideas, two giants of indoor athletics combining to rule the world.

Jimmy bailed on us.

We felt like right fucking twats when we showed up without him.

We had to make do. I explained to Joe that Jimmy was ill, that he could hardly move himself out of bed. In reality, he was on the sofa in his pants, searching for his name on YouTube and crying. Myself and crack film team Hefin and Emyr Rees made the best of a bad situation. 

Hefin told Joe that in every TV and film production, the actors have to recite ‘I’m A Little Teapot’ for the camera man to gauge sound and focus. Joe fell for it.

We filmed for 7 or 8 hours and should have enough to show off our skills as film makers, athletes and coaches. We also have adequate footage for the advert we were planning to do for De’Longhi, Joe’s favourite coffee machine manufacturer. I say advert, we’re basically going to beg them for free coffee.

The results of our filming are currently being edited. We’re going to send it off to all the major sports broadcasters in case they want to commission us to make a feature length docudrama about one man’s battle with coffee addiction and hair products in the run up to the Olympic games. We were thinking black and white. Maybe entirely filmed on a mobile phone. Possibly with zombies.

If they don’t want it I’ll just stick it on here.

- Coach Jarrett