Joe Thomas: Behind The Curtain.
On this blog we tend to focus on people running, arm wrestling and generally doing what the public know them for. We thought it was about time we went behind the curtain, away from the screaming crowds, to these people’s homes, where they relax away from the limelight. We also thought we might be able to get Joe Thomas some free coffee.
As you can see, Joe Thomas kicks back with the beautiful taste and aroma of the finest coffee made with his brand new, ridiculously expensive De’Longhi coffee machine. He now has to finish in the top three of every race ever in order to be able to afford to fuel his habit. This workload is quite frankly impossible to deal with and is affecting Joe’s training, form and indeed, life. What he needs is sponsorship. A box of free coffee every week or so would improve his quality of life, make his schedule realistic and in all probability, result in World and Olympic glory.
Look, he has no shame, he will take time out to pose with any De’Longhi products. He will point, show off his guns and wear his Great Britain vest to demonstrate his world class athlete status.
Come on De’Longhi, make a young man happy.
Joe Thomas vs The World
In a rare bout of genuine ‘fucking hell, that’s amazing’ sincerity, Joe has been picked/asked/booked/whatever to race in Stockholm tonight (he knew about this at the start of the week, it’s not like a Wacky Races like sprint to the line) against the 5 fastest men in the world over 800m this year. Joe is 7th fastest. If he finishes any lower than 4th, he will have let himself down, the blog down, everyone who reads the blog down, De’Longhi coffee machines down and worst of all, he will have let Jimmy down.
No pressure Joe.
Jimmy Misses World Indoor Squad Selection.
Jimmy’s comeback suffered a setback today when UK Athletics refused to pick him for the indoor world championships because of his hair. Apparently he doesn’t have enough of it. Luckily for us, big hair monster Joe Thomas has made the squad. Full story in our favourite papery publication, Athletics Weekly.
Jimmy was distraught. That, combined with Joe destroying his record on the weekend has sent him into a deep bout of depression. We were supposed to go and do a spot of filming with Joe ‘Carlos Valderrama' Thomas tonight at NIAC. It was supposed to be a meeting of minds, an exchange of ideas, two giants of indoor athletics combining to rule the world.
Jimmy bailed on us.
We felt like right fucking twats when we showed up without him.
We had to make do. I explained to Joe that Jimmy was ill, that he could hardly move himself out of bed. In reality, he was on the sofa in his pants, searching for his name on YouTube and crying. Myself and crack film team Hefin and Emyr Rees made the best of a bad situation.
Hefin told Joe that in every TV and film production, the actors have to recite ‘I’m A Little Teapot’ for the camera man to gauge sound and focus. Joe fell for it.
We filmed for 7 or 8 hours and should have enough to show off our skills as film makers, athletes and coaches. We also have adequate footage for the advert we were planning to do for De’Longhi, Joe’s favourite coffee machine manufacturer. I say advert, we’re basically going to beg them for free coffee.
The results of our filming are currently being edited. We’re going to send it off to all the major sports broadcasters in case they want to commission us to make a feature length docudrama about one man’s battle with coffee addiction and hair products in the run up to the Olympic games. We were thinking black and white. Maybe entirely filmed on a mobile phone. Possibly with zombies.
If they don’t want it I’ll just stick it on here.
- Coach Jarrett
Joe Thomas Mocks Jimmy With Coffee Machine.
Joe’s victory in the UK Championships on Sunday saw him win ‘Performance Of The Day’. This was well deserved as he won by nearly 2.5 seconds which, if you equate it to distance, is roughly a lap and a half. To celebrate, and to helpfully mock Jimmy, he spend his prize money on this:
That’s right, it’s a robot. One thousand pounds worth of coffee making robot. If you read the webpage closely you will see that it’s made of one third Starbucks Saturday staff member, one third Dalek and one third magic pixie dust.
Slightly disappointing that Joe didn’t mention the blog in his post-race interview, maybe he’s saving that for the World Championships.
Watch more video of 2012 Aviva World Trials & UK Championships on www.athleticos.org
I’ve include this little story as a lesson to Jimmy. Less pissing about drunk on bikes, more winning stuff at big championships equals really fucking cool machines for our kitchen.
- Coach Jarrett