Jimmy Misses World Indoor Squad Selection.

Jimmy’s comeback suffered a setback today when UK Athletics refused to pick him for the indoor world championships because of his hair. Apparently he doesn’t have enough of it. Luckily for us, big hair monster Joe Thomas has made the squad. Full story in our favourite papery publication, Athletics Weekly.

Jimmy was distraught. That, combined with Joe destroying his record on the weekend has sent him into a deep bout of depression. We were supposed to go and do a spot of filming with Joe ‘Carlos Valderrama' Thomas tonight at NIAC. It was supposed to be a meeting of minds, an exchange of ideas, two giants of indoor athletics combining to rule the world.

Jimmy bailed on us.

We felt like right fucking twats when we showed up without him.

We had to make do. I explained to Joe that Jimmy was ill, that he could hardly move himself out of bed. In reality, he was on the sofa in his pants, searching for his name on YouTube and crying. Myself and crack film team Hefin and Emyr Rees made the best of a bad situation. 

Hefin told Joe that in every TV and film production, the actors have to recite ‘I’m A Little Teapot’ for the camera man to gauge sound and focus. Joe fell for it.

We filmed for 7 or 8 hours and should have enough to show off our skills as film makers, athletes and coaches. We also have adequate footage for the advert we were planning to do for De’Longhi, Joe’s favourite coffee machine manufacturer. I say advert, we’re basically going to beg them for free coffee.

The results of our filming are currently being edited. We’re going to send it off to all the major sports broadcasters in case they want to commission us to make a feature length docudrama about one man’s battle with coffee addiction and hair products in the run up to the Olympic games. We were thinking black and white. Maybe entirely filmed on a mobile phone. Possibly with zombies.

If they don’t want it I’ll just stick it on here.

- Coach Jarrett